Loving You
by MyTinyDancer
Summary: James is finally ready to give up... Please read and review.


"James?"

For a minute I pretend that I did not just hear her call and continue to stare out into the dark, misty grounds of Hogwarts until she calls again.

"James?"

She is close behind me when I turn around to face her and her expression is one of mingled concern and confusion. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her body and her cheeks are slightly flushed.

"Hi." Her voice is soft; we shouldn't be here this late at night.

"Hi." My response comes out as a sigh. A sigh of frustration, resignation and painful relief.

She can tell that something is wrong and she steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist. I cannot resist and sling my arms loosely around her tiny form. I take her in- her size, her aroma, her _self_- and try to convince myself that this is not the last time...

"What's wrong, James?"

I take a step back and her arms fall to her sides.

"James, you asked me to come up here." Her tone is taking on an edge of impatience.

Finally, I reply, "I can't do this anymore."

For a long time, she is silent then, in a tiny voice, she replies, "Do what?"

I can tell by her tone and the panic settling down in her eyes that she knows exactly what I'm talking about and I do not bother to explain.

"Lily, I love you. But –"

"I love you, too," she interrupts quickly. It's not the first time she's said it but hearing the words now makes the dormant anger and resentment flare up inside me.

"No, you don't." My voice is barely a whisper that reveals the bitterness behind the words that make Lily flounder.

"I do... James, _I do_."

"No, you don't," I repeat with a harsh coldness calming my voice. "You don't because you call me 'Potter' when other people are around. You don't because you don't talk to me in public. You don't because you would rather watch other girls throw themselves at me than tell people that we are together. You don't and I wish that you would stop saying that you do. The words are losing their meaning. "

She stares at me with her emerald eyes huge and disbelieving. Slowly, I watch them fill with tears.

"Lily, I love you. So I don't want to stand around here and watch you cry because I can't bear to see you upset. But I can't do this to myself anymore. It isn't fair."

Still, she stares at me without responding, her full eyes getting dangerously close to overflowing.

"I wish that I could walk away and forget about you but I can't," I pause and look away as a tear slides down her pink cheek, "because I know you wouldn't come after me."

I cast around aimlessly for something to look at other than her.

"So now I need you to walk away and I'm not going to follow you. I just don't have the energy anymore. Loving you is exhausting."

Stupidly, I chance a glance at her face and the sight of her now streaming eyes instantly makes me want to take it all back. Instead, I walk past her to the stairs as she turns around silently to watch me go.

***

I am angry. Absolutely seeing-the-world-in-three-different-shades-of-red livid. How dare he!

I storm into the Gryffindor common room and the Fat Lady slams behind me with a groan. I spot him sitting on a couch and staring broodingly into the fire and, angry as I am, I am struck by his good looks. He isn't paying any attention to the pretty blonde jabbering away at his side but when she runs her hand over his thigh in an effort to gain his attention I feel my anger bubbling to a dangerous level and realize that he is right. What the hell is_ wrong_ with me?!

I march right up to him and yell, "James Potter!"

He jumps a little and stares at me with adorably startled eyes that would have melted my heart had I not been so enraged.

"Get off him," I order Little-miss-blonde and she shuffles away looking frightened.

"James effing Potter! You _left_ me at the top of the freaking astronomy tower!"

I step closer to him and push his shoulder with all my effort. He hardly moves at all and arches his eyebrows in a slightly amused expression that infuriates me further. I slap him.

The whole of Gryffindor house is now watching and I instantly feel horrible for hitting him. He frowns slightly.

"Uhh, Lily-"

"I'm sorry," I interrupt and his expression softens.

I stumble forward and tightly wrap my arms around his broad shoulders.

"I'm so sorry... I'm sorry... I love you. James I love you so much..."

He gently breaks away from my embrace and pulls me onto his lap.

"Lily, the whole common room is watching."

"I know. I don't care. I want everyone to know that-"

He cuts me off, pressing his lips hard against mine and i forget that everyone is watching when, halfway through our kiss, I can feel him smile.


End file.
